My Partner is Great.. Except For The Insecurity
The thrill of falling-in-love is unparalleled and the emotions are all over the place. There’s definitely the thrill and excitement that comes with experiencing something new but also fear and anxiety because it’s something new and you want it to last and you don’t want to do or say the wrong thing to put that in jeopardy.
Some of the relationships we get into are less than stellar and then we meet the perfect man and things are going great. He gives you the attention you want, he gets you flowers and pays attention to you, and so much more stuff that you have just been wishing a guy would do.
However, you might notice early enough or a bit later on in the relationship that something’s not 100% right. And you don’t mean to complain because he’s so great and so unlike any other man you have ever dated and you’re pretty sure he’s your soulmate. So what do you do? How do you address the issues you feel are going on? Should you even mention anything, coz you know what they say, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Insecure partners attach their emotional stability on a person rather than themselves
At first, insecurities may seem like a cute, normal human thing but things can go south if they keep escalating and the situation isn’t handled.
Dealing with an insecure partner can feel like a roller coaster of crazy emotions that might overwhelm you and leave you frustrated. And especially if you are coming from dating a complex and narcissistic partner then you might feel like you’re not being appreciative enough of your new partner and might feel the need to be accommodative of his intense but minor (compared to the previous relationship) issues.
First off, we want to tell you that you are completely fine and you are not imagining things, you are definitely getting a little strangled in your relationship and it’s okay to want to talk about it with your partner.
You need to be observant of your partner’s behavioral patterns and use our checklist below to find out if your partner may have insecurities lying within.
Traits of An Insecure Person
i) Constant need for approval
If you notice that your partner lives on the attention and recognition given by the outside world rather than being satisfied by his own achievements on his own, then there might be a problem.
His happiness seems to depend on you building up their esteem and this can be troublesome because it will be draining the life out you and soon you’ll have nothing left to give.
We are not saying that seeking approval once in a while is cause for alarm, we are human after all, but if you notice that he can’t function if people don’t recognize the things he wants them to notice and his self-esteem gets shot to dust then that’s definitely a sign of an insecure person.
ii) They are a one-way ticket emotional roller coasters
They are up and then down. One minute they love you so much and then the next they have lost interest in you. Sometimes you really can’t tell where you stand with them and it feels pretty much like you gave your heart to someone that doesn’t know how to take care of it.
They exhibit erratic and moody behavior and no matter what you try, you just can’t get under it.
iii)They worry about everything
And this causes them to be uncontrollable control freaks that have to be in charge of everything lest it all goes awry. This quality makes it almost impossible to trust their partner (you). They are doubtful and have abandonment issues and they are afraid of betrayal and these fuels their need to control every situation because of their lack of personal security.
iv) They act superior
Have you ever been around a person that just makes it their mission to make you feel inferior by throwing around all their accomplishments in life? It’s okay to be proud of your accomplishments but boasting around that it makes people uncomfortable is a bit fishy. Your partner is trying to deviate attention from the fact that he may have a few underlying issues and trying to focus it on all the things he’s accomplished like a perfect career, or his elite education or his perfect relationships.
10 Ways To Manage Insecurity In Your Partner (And Have Less Stress!)
If you found yourself nodding along to the issues addressed above then you might have a problem on your hands. Now you have to learn how to deal with the insecurities, especially if you plan on sticking for the long haul.
1. Get them to open up about their insecurities
Try to get a handle on the situation by knowing what you’re dealing with. Be careful in this process so they don’t feel like you’re ambushing or attacking him but get him to open up by asking open-ended questions. Put them at ease by letting him know that you know how hard talking about his insecurities is hard for him but you need to know what you’re working with so you can know how to solve the problem together. This will get him to see that you want to help them and not attack and they’ll begin opening up little by little. A problem shared is a problem half-solved so after that, both of you will be able to make a smart decision on what steps to take next.
2. Be supportive
Whatever path they choose in solving their underlying issues, be a supportive partner. Appreciate the efforts they make and let them know that you are right there with them along every step of the way. Your support will work in neutralizing their fear of rejection and judgment and they will open up more.
3. Don’t be an enabler
There’s a difference between offering support and being an enabler. While he’s going through the process of bettering himself, refrain from acts that might take him back into his old habits. Don’t inflate his self-esteem and refuse to ride the emotional roller coaster. This will make him work harder at improving his situation.
4. Find out the aspects of their insecurities are manageable
Everyone has insecurities of their own. It makes us equal as humans so there are things about him that you don’t need to worry about. You can make a list of all the things you find you can easily deal with and those that you believe deserve a deeper examination and then work from there.
5. Seek professional help if necessary
Don’t be afraid to suggest seeking the help of a professional if you feel both of you can’t handle this alone. If he wants to work on his issues and eventually improve your relationship, seeking help will be a little sacrifice he’d be willing to make. And remember that taking off his amour and exposing himself will feel unnatural to him so just offer whatever support he seeks while going through this.
6. Don’t let their issues become yours
Dealing with a person with deep insecurities can cause a change in you when you’re trying to help him in that you carry his problems on your shoulders and they become your issues too. We get helping and being supportive but don’t let the demon you’re trying to fight to take a hold of you too.
7. Make sure you’re not part of the problem
Make sure you’re not aggravating the situation by increasing his situation. Don’t do things that will make him doubt and not trust you like going for long hours of the day without a word or entertaining other male friends. These emotional upheavals are triggers for me and you could make the situation way worse.
8. Encourage him to take part in activities outside the relationship
A trait of people with underlying insecurities is that they keep to themselves and your relationship. Try to get them involved in some physical activity like they could take up running in the morning or hiking with a group. This will give their mind something else to work on and it feels to do something else other than obsessing on all the issues you have. To put their minds at ease, you could do a few sessions with them.
9. Work with him on building trust between the two of you
Work on building trust between the two of you. This is something you can work on in therapy. Getting them to trust you will show them that they can’t let go a little around you and they don’t need to be as suffocating.
10. Be aware of their behavior
It’s not uncommon for people with low self-esteem to manipulate situations so they avoid dealing with their core insecurities. Get on top of the situation by remaining aware of any behavioral changes and let them know of what they are doing because they might not be doing it with malicious intent but it can definitely put a strain on your relationship.
Knowing that your partner has insecurities can be difficult because it may seem like normal behavior and you need to understand that they don’t feel safe or secure being just themselves. They feel like they need amour and they are their own personal purgatory of constant self-doubt so the situation might feel a little like walking on eggshells, and sometimes, that’s exactly what it’s going to be.
The pressure will be felt and at some point, you might decide to make it your mission to save them from their own demons, don’t give in to this temptation. Help them by being available but don’t enable their behavior and let them know that they need to put the work in for both their sake and the relationship’s
The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé