How to Learn to Love Your Partner Again after a Divorce
Is it possible to love your partner again after a divorce? If there was love, why would it lead to a divorce in the first place?
People change. You are ten times wiser and less impulsive than you were ten years ago. Timing may not be right back then but it doesn’t mean it’s not right now. Everyone has their own reason for a divorce. You chose your career back then, only to realize you value a family more today. If fate does bring you back together, it is possible to love again.
The real obstacle to love again after a divorce isn’t convincing yourself he has changed, because people change all the time, it doesn’t take a miracle to believe in that. The real question is how to look past the past trauma and forget about the wounds he left you so you can throw yourself completely at him without holding back.
Two types of people will end a divorce in happiness, those that never loved and those that are completely broken-hearted they no longer feel anything for their partner. In both cases, it’s nearly impossible to love again because the first never loved and the latter already lost theirs. Those that ended the divorce with love are those that are most likely to get back together.
Either way, you will have to learn to leave your scars behind and take the leap of faith that this time, things will take a better turn. Here’re several tips to steer you on the right track if you’re struggling to stay on one.
1. Write down your feelings on a journal
Learning how to love again isn’t above burying your scars underneath the happiness and pretend the past never happened. The past indeed happened and you were hurt, very possibly still are. It’s about making peace with your past, so you can go down the road again, this time prepared.
Sit down with your journal somewhere comfortable. Close your eyes for half an hour, listen to your favourite songs and delve into your memory vault. Search for the memories that you’ve been trying to lock away for years because it hurts to think about it.
Write down everything that happened that hurt you and look at the list. Were those things that happened completely his fault? Was it just bad communication at the time? For example, you blamed him for choosing his career over you. But now you realise you would’ve made the same deicision today. You couldn’t understand his choice back then because you weren’t in that stage in life and you two had different priorities. Now that you both see this eye to eye, it’s easy to work things out.
If things hadn’t changed on his side over the years, are you willing to live with all the problems back then? Or you don’t think they’re a problem anymore, or you’re old enough to let those go because they don’t matter now? Writing things down on a journal get your mind sorted out straight and look at things from a more rational perspective.You will likely live with the same problem you had unless one of you has changed. Identify the problems and see how you feel now.
2. Meet up more often before you make a decision
Don’t rush into things. Don’t fall in love again after the things meeting and get lost in reminiscing in all the happy memories. You want to know you’re making the right decision this time. Take some time to truly absorb what they have to offer. Don’t start believing in everything they say at first. Let them show you they mean it.
At the same time, show him you’re a changed person as well, a much more independent and strong person you’re today. It takes time to work out the differences and only time helps. Taking things slow this time is how you will make it last.
3. Put yourself first and set your priorities straight
Most people fall back into their old-self when encountering their ex. It’s like you’re re-living the old time. Things didn’t work out because you two were different back then. Acting like your old-self is pushing yourself back to the rabbit hole.
To put it directly, things might not work out with him this time as well, so why put someone else first this time? Always put yourself first and get your own priorities sorted out. You will see that you attract like-minded people, and if he is one, he will stay. You’re a different person now, it’s important to acknowledge that.
4. Take him to family meetings and gatherings with friends
Let’s face it, as much as we would love to tell ourselves we’re good at making decisions, love blinds us sometimes and we fail to see the red flags. Take him to some social events with your family and friends to get people accustomed to you two being a thing again. Let them observe him and see how it is now.
Hearing others out can reaffirm your love for him because either you will find out he has indeed changed or he is still that shitbag you left five years ago.
5. Sit down and talk things out with him
A much-needed talk before you officially starts over again. During this talk, both of you need to acknowledge the fact that you’ve hurt each other in the past. It’s always difficult to look past our trauma. Yet, love is strong and it heals. We do need to know what the other person is thinking.
While we can’t guarantee the same shit will not happen again, at least by talking things out we get a broader perspective as to why things developed the way they did in the past and what has he been thinking over the years. You can only love him again completely if you trust what he tells you. Overlooking the past issues and diving into the pool again will likely drown you. This talk is a must-do.
How to Learn to Love Someone Again after Being Hurt
6. Do you trust him now?
The answer has to be a yes for this to go on any further. If you don’t trust him anymore, there’s really not a reason to carry on trying to love him. And whether you trust him or not, it’s up to his actions, not just your wishful thinking.
Love is based on trust. If you do feel that you trust him, it’s easier to put yourself in his care because you know he made a mistake in the past, but he won’t do it again.
7. Identify the problem and see if it’s been fixed
Supposed he cheated on you in the past, what was the real reason behind his action? It’s definitely not just because he was horny. Was the core issue lies behind your troubled relationship in other aspects? Was he a sex addict? Or he was in love with someone else?
Identifying the root issue paints a clearer picture of the story. You can tell if this issue has been fixed or not. This is how you can reassure yourself that this issue won’t happen again, thus being able to love him and trust him.
8. Tell him how painful it was
Telling him how much pain he caused isn’t about guilting him into treating you better, this is to let him know that you already know how much it hurts, so you will need time to observe and that if he does it again, not only will it terminate any future possibility of getting back together, he will also be the jerks that deliberately hurt people, knowing how much pain it will cause.
Sharing your feelings lay the grounds for him and if he agrees to the terms, you can at least live your life knowing that he gave you a promise, instead of being afraid every day.
9. Ask him what are his thoughts on this
As much as it’s about you, it’s also about him. You have to listen to him as well. It’s not a chance for him to explain himself because that ship has sailed long ago. It’s about letting him tell his story, how he has changed and how he feels about what he did.
10. Always prepared to get hurt again
This is true for whoever you date. You can never guarantee things won’t take an ugly turn, no matter who you give a chance to. To love is to prepared to be hurt as well. That’s what makes love precious. It’s very true that you don’t know if he will hurt you again. But it’s also the same trust that you’re willing to put in him, the same knowledge of knowing you might get hurt makes this love stronger. Don’t get too hung up on avoiding pain, live your life knowing that some pain is inevitable and you will feel a lot more relieved and easier to love.
Quotes on Learning to Love Again
The hardest part isn’t loving you again, but loving myself again
I’m not giving you another chance, I’m giving myself one
Learning how to love again is like learning how to walk. You fall down and get scared, but eventually, you will get hurt is the only way to master it. That’s why I’m willing to get hurt because I trust that we can make it at the end
Learning how to love again is hard, especially since you’ve been hurt. Do know that every relationship might hurt you at some point, whoever you’re with. Your willingness to take that risk is how you succeed in the end. It’s hard to do it with someone that you know hurt you before. Follow our tips and hopefully, you will find some peace in the unsettling mind!
The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé