We all have our fair share of fears, some stronger than others; it’s okay as long as they don’t start interfering with our well-being and start hurting those who are around us.
I was looking at some of the messages I get in the inbox over at Relationship Rules, and it turns out that most of you are too scared of being in a relationship, because of numerous reasons that are mostly governed by fear, fear of loss, fear of damage, fear of never being healthy again.
The concerns are so intense that they make you believe that you’re better off alone. You start preaching about it to everybody else to save them from specific trauma and pain. I am going to name six of the most common signs, signs that will tell you that you’re afraid of being in love, you’re scared of being in a relationship with someone other than yourself, and I’m also going to help you get rid of those fears and move on with your life in a healthy way.
Signs you are afraid of being in a relationship.
6. You haven’t made peace with your past
One of the most fundamental reasons why people are scared to be in a relationship is because they’re still haunted by sure events of their history, events that hurt them in such traumatic ways that it’s tough for them to come back to how they once used to be.
Even the slightest or tiniest trigger can tick you off and bring you back into that state of fear and depression, as long as you let it have that power over you, and it’s not going to heal, not unless you do something about it.
The fix here is to make peace with your past. I’ve been there, I’ve had a phase in my life where I went back and forth, and I hated it. But I slowly helped myself get out of that phase, the memories, the hurt, the pain, the loss, everything wrong that happened to me in the past was a cruel reminder in the present and was making me unable to have a happy future.
So I fixed it, by making friends with my past, by accepting my mistakes, by making amends, by apologizing to the people who I’d hurt in any way, by having proper closure with all of my past demons. That’s something you need to do if you want to move on with your life and be with someone who will love you more than you can ever imagine.
5. You don’t think you can trust again
They say trust is the hardest thing to make and the easiest thing to break, they’re right. It could take years to build the perfect trust between two people, and it can take mere seconds to break that trust into a million pieces.
The fear here is to get hurt again, to get your trust broken again after working on it for so long. But only you can help yourself here; no one else can do anything for you no matter how much love and care they have for you, you’ll still be in your insecure and scared state until you finally decide to come out of it on your own.
The key here is to NEVER rely on someone else to help you regain your trust back, do it yourself.
The fix here is to understand that whatever happened with you in your past was because of someone else, no two individuals are the same in this world, and there are a LOT of individuals, so the chances of your trust being broken again are very tiny.
You need to take the risk; you need to tell yourself that you WILL let this new person get their fair chance, their chance to prove that there are still good people in this world, people who care just as much as you do, or maybe more.
4. You think you’ll be trapped
Another common fear is when people think they’ll be caught the second they commit to someone. This fear is developed because of a lot of reasons, be it experience or the experience of others.
When you see a friend of yours dating someone, and they keep telling you how much they hate it, how much they miss the single life, how much they wish they were alone right now, these are the common triggers that scare you off from committing yourself to someone who truly deserves to be with you.
The fix here is to remember that a relationship is NOT about being trapped, it’s not about control, it’s not about molding someone into what you want them to be, relationships are about enhancement, relationships are a blessing.
Don’t be with someone who tries to change you, don’t be with someone who tries to impose a lot of ideas and rules over your life, be with the person who loves you for whoever you are and keeps on enhancing that person in you.
3. You’re scared of breaking up
A lot of people don’t get into relationships because they’ve seen too many people breaking up, and they can sense the pain those people felt when they went through the breakups. Of course, breakups hurt, they hurt for an extended period, but it doesn’t mean they’re “mandatory” for every relationship.
People break up when they don’t want to work on each other anymore because real relationships require constant work and constant effort, something people don’t realize from the start, and they hate it when they find out later on.
The fix here is not to be scared of breaking up with the person you love, the repair here is to remove the term “breaking up” from your vocab. I love my girlfriend, and no matter how much we fight or differentiate, we always tell each other that we’ll work it out, and we still do.
That’s what relationships are all about, to never give up on the person you love because if you genuinely love them, you’ll love them enough to put every effort you have on them regardless.
2. You’re afraid of sharing your time with someone
Most people run away from relationships because they think they are too time-consuming and they’ll divide all the time you have into pieces, it’s not like that. Relationships are about two people sharing a life, the time spent together becomes time shared, and it enhances it in every way.
It’s a common misconception today that once you get involved with someone, you’re going to have to give all of your time to them, that’s not how relationships work, and that’s something you need to stop being scared of.
The fix here is to remember that you’re not the only person who’s going to share their time with someone, someone else is going to share their time with you in return. Relationships are all about to give and take, regardless of the ratio.
No one is busy in this world; it’s all about priorities, and time is the best gift you can give someone. And if they love you enough to give their time to you, you should happily do the same to them.
1. The fear of your social life-changing, forever
This one is at the top of my life; a large chunk of people are scared of being in a relationship because they think it will change the way they operate, change the way they interact with people, improve their social lives, and so forth.
A relationship that makes you give your social life up isn’t a relationship in the first place; your partner will never make you spend less time with your friends if they truly love you. Your partner will make sure your social life is more enhanced than ever.
The fix here is to remember that a real relationship will only enhance you in every way possible.
Your partner will try their best to be a part of your social circle, to make you be more at ease about things, they won’t interfere if they aren’t able to be a part of it. However, they still won’t ask you to stop doing anything with your friends because your partner knows your social life is extraordinary too.
Being in a healthy relationship will only groom you as an individual, it shouldn’t have any impact on your social life.
Question of the day
What is your biggest fear? Give me your answers in the comments below. And as always, stay blessed and keep the love alive!
The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé