How Jealousy Will Ruin Your Relationship
In the words of Francois de La Rochefoucauld:
“Jealousy lives upon doubts. It becomes madness or ceases entirely as soon as we pass from doubt to surety.”
Jealousy is an instinctive feeling that is a part of the human experience. We are afraid that what we perceive as ours will be taken away from us in the blink of an eye. No one desires to be lied to or cheated on. But if one of the partners in a relationship, decides to act on this emotion, it gives rise to an unhealthy dynamic of power. The jealous partner essentially has a belief that to some extent the other person belongs to them. This suggests treating your lover like a possession which is in itself a toxic trait. Jealousy will offset the natural balance of power in a relationship. Keep on reading to understand how harboring this negative emotion will set off the downfall of your relationship and what you can do to cope with it.
1. Breeding of Secrets
Honesty is a fundamental value that forms the foundation on which a relationship is built. Being truthful and open is crucial in keeping that connection between two souls alive and thriving. With jealousy comes, an urge to control the other person’s every movement. You may feel like putting restrictions on your lover will keep your bond safe by supposedly eliminate the external forces that could harm your partnership. Know that going down this route won’t stop them from doing things you forbade them to but this behavior may backfire and your partner might start hiding and lying to you to avoid conflicts.
2. Invasion of Privacy
When two people fall in love with each other, it gives birth to a sacred trust between them. The idea that we are all halves until we are joined with our soulmate (who completes us) is destructive. Relationships are not meant to vanquish your individuality. This implies that a healthy relationship includes two whole independent people that lean on each other for support. It is no way dictates the fusion of two souls. Therefore, to allow a partnership to bloom, privacy is of the utmost importance. You break this trust when jealousy compels you to search through your lover’s phone behind their back. Or spy on them, thus, destroying much-needed privacy and trust.
3. Driving your Partner Away
The Catholic philosopher, Saint Augustine, once stated:
“He that is jealous is not in love.”
It is worth noting that once you are in the poisonous clasps of jealousy, you will be highly likely to develop a pattern of negative thought process i.e. a mindset of an abuser. Your partner will start to view you as not an equal but in a position of control. This will gradually drive them away from you and cause the spark to die. They will begin to enjoy your company less and less, as they feel scrutinized and unworthy of your trust. You will start to lose everything that you were trying to protect.
12 Things to do to Diffuse Jealousy Right Away
1. Acknowledge it
The absolute worst thing you can do when jealous thoughts make their way to your mind is to ignore them. Suppressing any emotion whether it may be anger, sadness, fear, or in our case, jealousy will only lead to an increase in the intensity of this feeling. Recognize that you are feeling insecure about your partnership. Although this may seem contrary to eliminating the doubts, it is necessary to sit with your thoughts for a few moments. Only then can we move forward and fix the issue.
2. Don’t act on impulse
In the heat of the moment and the intensity of your anger, you may end up doing things you regret. So, when you are completely fuming with jealousy, do not go to your partner right away. Because many times, overwhelming emotions drive us to say and do things that will cause permanent damage to our relationships. We don’t want to find ourselves at a point of no return.
3. Resist the urge to snoop
Your mind, in this state, will try it’s best to find any kind of proof it can to justify your suspicions. You will find yourself latching on to minor errors that your partner has made. Jealousy can make people go to extreme lengths to prove that they are not crazy for thinking this way. Hold yourself back from doing things like – stalking their social media or following them to the party.
4. Direct Communication
A mistake many of us make is expecting our lover to be a mind reader. Your partner does not have the powers of telepathy. Passing passive-aggressive remarks or just simply holding back what you want to say is only going to worsen the situation. There is nothing more essential in maintaining a relationship than communication. Discuss what is bothering you with your partner.
5. Ask for reassurance
Sometimes even after telling your partner what the issue is, you will not feel the burden lifting from your mind. You will still feel the pressure of these negative emotions weighing you down. Let your partner know that you would like some affirmations or reassurance. We all have different ways of expressing affection. Doubting they still love you? Don’t hesitate to ask. Hearing your lover express how much you mean to them will, in the end, be most effective in curing your jealousy.
6. Find release in Intimacy
Intimacy is a core element of any romantic relationship. When you are feeling insecure, having your partner hold you for a bit can potentially aid in alleviating your worries. This does not need to be sexual intimacy. Sometimes, a sincere hug, holding hands, or any gentle form of affection will just be sufficient. After all, humans need touch for survival.
7. Engage in physical activity
When you are struggling with jealousy, your body tends to store that negative energy in itself. Unless you do something to expel it from your body, you will carry it within the next day. Any physical activity, ranging from taking a long hot shower to doing a hardcore cardio routine, will allow you to let go of the toxic energy you are so tightly holding onto.
8. Distract yourself
It is easy to get lost in a spiral of anxious thoughts when all you can think about is not being good enough for your partner. You have to find a way to break this cycle of repetitive thoughts. A good way to stop dwelling on this is to do something that will take your mind off of it. Try doing some homework or reading a book with a complex storyline. Maybe organize your closet. A change of scenery can help as well.
9. Work on your trust
A more long-term solution is to deal with your incapacity to trust your partner. If this behavior of jealousy is a recurring pattern in all your relationships, seek help from a professional. It will greatly benefit your future self and partner if you take a step back from monitoring their activity and address what’s going on inside you.
10. Build up your self esteem
One of the main factors that jealousy stems from is insecurity in oneself. You believe you are not attractive enough to be with your current partner or you don’t think you have any admirable qualities to your name. This is a journey that your partner has no part in. Establishing your own worth and learning to love who you are is something that will not only benefit the romantic relationships you get into but all aspects of your life.
11. Recognize your triggers
You may start to feel the jealousy creeping back in, after doing everything you can to release and liberate yourself from it. This is the time to search what external statements or behavior triggers your jealousy. This will be very helpful in targeting activities that lead you down the path of a jealous person.
12. Know your values
No matter what you believe your partner is doing, whether your suspicions are true or false, remember to never let go of who you are. Do not change yourself because you think it will make your partner remain loyal to you and only you. Remind yourself that you are not the type of controlling person who violates your lover’s trust.
Both individuals in a romantic partnership have their strengths and weaknesses. What makes a good relationship is when these carrying qualities and differences are used to complement each other. Great harmony is formed and with this, a healthy balance of power is created. Look deeper into your own insecurities before scrutinizing your partner. Believe that you have the strength to overcome irrational fears and you will succeed in doing so.
The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé