How can you hate the person you are meant to love
Everyone gets married with a picture-perfect fantasy of happily ever after in mind, no one goes in expecting to hate the love of their life. But at some point, even in the healthiest marriages everyone feels wronged by their partner. Forget all the perfect family portraits you see on Instagram with the hashtag #familygoals, feelings of resentment are part and parcel of marriage. When these feelings are not addressed and are swept under the rug, they build up and turn into hate.
When we talk of hate we don’t the toxic, burning and obsessive hate that leads to murder and crimes of passion but rather a kind of dislike or apathy. Men especially are known not to air their feelings as much as women which sometimes builds up into resentment towards their wives. Experts say it is actually normal for husbands to hate their wives sometimes, amidst kids, busy careers and family demands it’s easy to forget to maintain the romance in marriage which leaves husbands feeling left out. It becomes a problem when it festers and becomes toxic, at this point, it will either end in infidelity or divorce if not handled.
Women sometimes unknowingly do little things that threaten their husband’s sense of value, making him feel inadequate, misundersalsod, neglected and disrespected. And when a man feels undervalued, he starts seeing his wife as the enemy, hating her for it. Here are some of the most common reasons why husbands end up hating the wives they promised to love forever. As well as what you can do to stop your relationship from getting to this point.
7 Reasons Why Men Hate Their Wives
1. Withholding Sex
It is not surprising that the number one reason why men resent their wives has to do with sex. When a man feels like he’s being sex-starved or his once adventurous sex life has become non-existent, the underlying conclusion he draws is that his spouse no longer finds him attractive and this instills feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and abandonment. Men express emotional intimacy through sex so when their partner turns down sex, to him she has turned down his affection and him as a person. When a wife uses sex to punish her husband or as a bargaining chip, a man sees this as the highest form of emotional blackmail. Withholding sex alienates a man and makes him hate you for it.
2. They feel unappreciated.
Emotional and sexual connection is not all that is needed to make a marriage work, couples have to connect on the most random and mundane things like paying bills or driving the kids to school. When a husband contributes to the smooth running of the household, he wants his efforts to be appreciated. He will never ask for it but all men need to know that their wives are proud of them, call it ego, hero-worship or whatever you like but it is very essential to him. He wants to be patted on the back for the little things he does, to be praised and thanked for paying attention to small things. When you fail to notice he feels under-appreciated and it grows into resentment
One of the things men complain about when seeking professional help in their marriage is their spouses poor financial choices. Especially when he is the sole provider who is trying to provide for his family and make ends meet. Husbands get frustrated when their wives spend all their hard-earned money on frivolities, so ladies that extra pair of shoes you know you don’t need but want anyway could be the last string holding your relationship together, think twice.
4. They don’t feel validated
Husbands grow disillusioned when they don’t feel empathy from their wives or they get the impression she no longer cares about their well-being. The husband will begin to feel hopeless, unheard and invalidated. A man needs to know his feelings matter, and that his wife is supportive of his talents, skills and dreams. This makes him feel like a man, he holds the support and belief of his wife in high esteem. If you always criticize him, ignore him or make essential decisions without including him, he ends up feeling like a little boy and at some point, your opinion and approval won’t matter anymore.
5. Absence of companionship
Men often complain “We don’t share any interests anymore’’, ‘’we want different things’’. It is very normal for people to change as well as their interests when you met you both went on adventures, tried new things, alsok risks but today 10 plus years down the road with kids and all you’d rather watch a movie at home or read a book but he still wants the adventurous life. The truth is that to preserve your marriage you two have to grow together. You can’t be the same person as the young bride you once were but you have to find some common ground or risk growing apart. Preserving your marriage requires small sacrifices to please your partner, you could also find new and neutral activities you can experience together. Failure to cater to your friendship is likely to build a wedge between you and alienate him.
6. Involving other people in your marriage.
Complaining about your husband or marriage to your friends and family is a sure to make him hate you. No man wants his private business being discussed by those around him. Talking to your girlfriends may seem harmless to you but to him it is seen as betrayal, you are breaking his trust and humiliating him in the process and this is unforgivable. Men find it hurtful you involve other people who have no business being there in your relationship. This will make him pull back from you and leave room for hatred to be instilled.
7.Trying to change him.
No nobody wants to feel like they’re not good enough, trying to change him at all cost sends him the message that you don’t appreciate him for who he is. Let him be himself and decide to change his bad habits on his own. When a man feels he cannot be himself in his own home, he will lash out and it won’t be pretty. Even if your suggestions and intervention will make his life better, let him come to that conclusion on his own. If you force it on him or impose your way of doing things, he’ll feel boxed in. Be his wife and not his stylist or life coach, your job is not to give him a makeover. Trying to change him will make him feel insecure and he will hate you for it.
How To Overcome Hate In Your Marriage
1. Encourage him to voice his frustrations
A Man does not just wake up one day and decides to hate his wife, it is a process that takes time, with the right approach it can be stopped in its tracks or even avoided altogether. Encouraging men to voice their frustrations is a good place to start. Since as most issues stem from pent up anger, disillusion and frustration, airing them out is essential. It won’t be easy, it can even be messy but it will make a huge difference in the end. This could be what is needed to help the wife understand her husband’s needs and that he also has emotional needs that are often taken for granted. Women sometimes forget men also need affection, love, compassion and attention to feel fulfilled. This conversation could mean the difference between a healthy marriage and a messy divorce.
2. Show appreciation and support
Instead of criticizing what he is doing wrong, appreciate what he does right, guys like to be complimented and patted on the back. Let your husband know you appreciate how hard he works, tell him how good he looks, let him know you see his flaws and love him anyway. Thank him for taking care of the family and providing for everyone, kiss him for no reason at all every now and then. Avoiding making any negative comments about his thoughts and opinions. Let him know you trust him, support him and believe in his capabilities.
3. Make sex off-limits
Whatever you are arguing or fighting about never use sex as a bargaining chip. Make it a point not to manipulate him by withholding sex, if you turn down sex let it be because you are not in the mood and not as a means of blackmail. Let sex be used to make up when you fight and bond when life is threatening to drive you apart. Your sex life should be preserved like a sanctuary where you both go when you need to find yourselves and reconnect.
Stress, family pressure, professional and financial problems may also lead to resentment in a marriage, sometimes these setbacks can affect your mood and you take it out on your significant other, so before you go looking for solutions make sure you are searching in the right place. We suggest you carve out some alone time to figure out the underlying reason why you have your wife and make sure it’s not transferred aggression or you’re not the problem.
There’s also always the option to seek professional help, talk to a therapist for guidance and clarity. Apart from infidelity which is a much more complex form of hate, most marriages can recover from periods of conflict and unhappiness caused by resentment. This is because deep down you don’t hate your wife, you resent her for how she makes you feel and you are frustrated because you can’t seem to express your feelings.
The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé