You Are Not Alone – Husband Does A Lot “Ignoring”
You have been together with your husband for quite some time, but lately, you have noticed that no matter what you do, he ignores you? You could even prance around in your sexiest lingerie, and he won’t even look. When he gets home from work, he barely says hi; he marches straight to the couch and turns on the TV. You have no idea why he’s ignoring you; what you know is that it’s hurtful and so frustrating.
Why is he ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment? Is this just happening to you? Was it something you did? You’re not alone; there are many wives out there being in the same situation and asking themselves the same questions. Your husband could be ignoring you for various reasons (we’ll get to that soon), but first, you should know some facts about the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without leaving a visible bruise. The bruising’s inside, and it can cause a lot of damage to your marriage. Research in this area has shown that the act of ignoring activates that same area of your brain that is started by physical pain. According to an in-depth analysis study conducted by Paul Schrodt, Ph.D. Professor of Communication, the silent treatment is “tremendously damaging to a relationship,” Your relationship satisfaction is decreased, the feelings of intimacy are diminished, and it reduces the capacity to communicate in a healthy and meaningful way.
Maybe your husband’s ignoring is not intended to cause you pain; regardless, that kind of neglect causes you a lot of pain because you equate being notice with being loved, sometimes that feels the same. Now that he’s ignoring you, you have this dreaded feeling that he has stopped loving you and the worst part is you don’t know the reasons or how to deal with it.
The danger here is that if this behavior continues (being ignored and not appreciated), it can push you to have negative feelings toward your husband. But if you still love him and want to try to fix things, you need to take action.
8 Reasons Why He Is Ignoring You
To help you comprehend your situation and so you know that you’re not alone in this, we’ll start by listing the possible reasons for your husband’s ignoring. Take a look.
1. You said something that upset him
Maybe you said something (unintentionally) that upset him, but instead of telling you he was bothered by what you said, he decided to ignore you. We humans (because this could apply to both women and men) are funny that way; instead of doing the logical thing and telling our spouse what’s bothering us, we choose to take the “high road” and ignore it.
2. All the little fights you’ve been having are taking a toll on him
Fighting among couples is familiar; you are two individuals with different opinions about many issues, so once in a while, you’re going to disagree. But lately, you’ve been having all these disagreements, and it may feel that that’s all you do, and worst of all, you can’t seem to make a compromise on any of them. The sum of all those little fights could be the reason why he’s ignoring you; he needs a time-out from all the fighting.
3. He feels your marriage has gone stale
Marriage is a blessing, but it can also be messy and complicated; you’ve shared space with your husband, your finances are tied together, you have had to negotiate sexuality and countless other decisions on your daily life, plus children, so it’s expected that you as a couple have moved in and out of boredom. Maybe he feels that now that staleness has reached a critical point.
4. He could be cheating on you
You don’t need to get paranoid right away and assume that that’s the reason he’s ignoring you. First, you need to asses any other suspicious behaviors to draw that conclusion. But, if he’s ignoring you and spending time with random women, or old friends or colleagues, you might consider that possibility. Take steps to figure out if he’s hanging out with other women instead of you.
5. He’s fed up with all your complaining
Take a step back and think about how you start your conversations. Do you create them with negativity and a lot of complaining? N0? Are you sure? Sometimes you can be in denial because you’re not a negative person, but do you remember how you started your last conversation? Was it a complaint about your day, or maybe was it all gossip? Have you forgotten to say something nice once in a while? The thing is that he could be the same way, and it’s not helping to talk to someone who’s also negative.
6. He’s feeling smothered and needs some space
This is a common reason why your husband is ignoring you. It’s not a good one, though, because he should be able to talk to you and tell you he’s feeling that way but, one, he doesn’t know how to bring up the issue or two, he’s afraid to talk about it. The reasons why he’s feeling smothered could be many and have nothing to do with you.
7. He’s preoccupied with something major
He may be having trouble at work like a project that’s not coming along as it should, and that’s consuming all his energy and attention. Or he may be deeply preoccupied with a major event, that for some reason he hasn’t share with you.
8. He’s contemplating divorce
This is the last thing you need to hear, but it could be a reason why he’s ignoring you. Some people are just too cowardly, to tell the truth (he is one), so he has decided to ignore you until he gets the courage or finds a way to bring up the subject.
How To Manage Ignoring Behavior
By nature, people are not confrontational, we tend to draw the conclusion that every time there’s a problem in the marriage, the conversation about said the issue is going to turn confrontational, hence we (sometimes) choose to ignore it. Like in this case, you know there is a problem (your husband ignoring you), but you don’t know the source or the why (you have some clues now) and most importantly, you don’t know how to resolve or manage it, so you feel that any conversation about it is going to be meaningless.
So there’s one thing you can do to avoid being ignored by your husband. Get to the root of why he’s ignoring you and then learn to communicate better.
1. Make sure you’re on the same page when you communicate
You two could be part of the same conversation but it doesn’t mean that your conclusions or impression of what’s being said are going to be the same. You need to make sure that what was said and what both of you get out of the conversation is on the same page
2. Don’t avoid confrontation
It should be simple. If your husband is ignoring and you want him to stop then the most effective method is to go and talk to him. You should be able to alleviate the problem by talking to him. Pretending it is not happening is not going to help your marriage function and move forward. You need to break the ice, stop avoiding confrontation. There’s a fun game that you can play to help you break the ice so you can tackle the bigger issues.
How To Manage Him Ignoring You Around His Family
This situation is challenging to manage because they’re your in-laws, and you don’t want to alienate them, especially if they’re good people, and you’ll be seeing each other regularly for quite some time. But, it’s frustrating because each time you go to visit them or they come to visit you, it’s like you’re invisible. He goes to hang with his dad or spends a lot of time with his mom. He plans outings and doesn’t include you… and the list can go on.
What can you do? It’s not like he’s mean or anything, is just that you feel totally excluded and you don’t like that and you want to change the situation. How can you manage him ignoring you around his family?
3. Make him see things from your perspective
You’ll never know if he’s conscious of this behavior if you won’t bring it up. So, look for a private place and ask him if he has realized what he’s doing. We bet he won’t have a clue, as he’s not doing it on purpose. Don’t lash out to him or blame him (we know it’s difficult because you’re feeling wounded), instead make him see things from your perspective and tell him that you feel excluded and lonely when he behaves that way.
4. Devise a plan so it won’t happen again
Between the two of you devise a plan for when you visit your in-laws. Make sure he includes you in all discussions and keep you on the loop of all that’s happening. You can bring your Ipad or a book to read when he wants to go out with somebody. And maybe devise some kind of secret signals when any of you need rescuing.
How To Manage Ignoring Behavior For His Phone
Your husband is paying more attention to his phone than you? Phubbing (ignoring you in order to pay attention to his phone) is a real problem in a lot of marriages. You’re his wife, you shouldn’t have to compete against apps for this attention. So what can you do to manage this?
5. Pay attention to your own habits
Before you say anything to him, check yourself and pay attention to your own habits. Do you also use your phone when you could be engaging and connecting with your husband? If that’s the case. spend less time staring at your screen and you’ll know for sure if he’s phubbing. Once you make the necessary changes in your own habits, then go have a talk with him.
6. Talk to him
Tell your husband about the changes you’ve done regarding your phone habits and how you’ve been paying attention to his phone habits. Then tell him how you feel when he pays more attention to his phone than you, that you feel ignored and underappreciated and that you’ll like to spend more quality time together.
7. Establish rules
Establish rules for phone use in your home, you can even create some phone-free zones and activities. You should keep each other cognizant of how you use the phone when you’re together.
How To Manage Ignoring Behavior in Public
He’s very considerate in private, he cherished you and in general, he’s a good husband… but when you’re in public it’s like you don’t exist, he totally ignores you. That makes you feel lonely and it’s pretty frustrating, how you manage that?
8. Have an honest conversation with him
Tackle the issue but not in a confrontational way, tell him how you feel when he pays attention to everyone else but you. Avoid telling him what he’s doing wrong. Maybe he’s not comfortable with public displays of attention or he’s just a social butterfly. You need to get to the root of the problem so you can then take action.
Being ignored by your husband, it’s frustrating, and it shouldn’t be normal behavior—the reasons why could be many and sometimes don’t have anything to do with you. You need to tackle the issue and talk to him; that way, you’ll know for sure, and then you can take action to improve your relationship.
The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé