What Set What You Love Free Really Means…
We hear cliches and old adages about love all the time and set what you love free and it’ll return if it is truly yours is certainly one of them. We have been using the phrase for decades. Even Sting sang a song about it, but what does this actually mean?
So many people out there have a very insecure attachment style when they are in relationships. They become obsessed with the fear that this person will leave or stop loving them. This often causes insane jealousy that leads to a lack of trust and can even lead to emotional and physical abuse just to keep that person near them. Of course, this kind of behavior will eventually lead to that other person’s misery and in time they will draw a line in the sand and move on. This sets in motion something called self-fullfilling prophecy where our own actions have caused our worst fears to come true. That is the last thing we want.
With all this in mind, it is important to heed the piece of advice from this old adage to set what we love free. If it is truly meant to be, if the the love is real, and not just in our heads or just pure lust then they will come back.
4 Must Know Tips to Make Setting Your Love Free Easier
Letting someone go won’t be easy, in fact, it will be downright hard. It will break your heart and you may shed a few tears doing it, but sometimes this has to be done. Maybe things just aren’t right and that person you love is miserable. Sometimes the only way to know if it is meant to be or not is to let them go. Here are four tips to make it a little easier.
Put Their Happiness First
Doing this means that you are going to have to be selfless and put their needs first. In society where we are taught to be selfish. And, this can be downright hard, but you won’t be able to successfully set them free if you don’t put them first. Doing this will make it a little easier on both of you and if they do come back to you it will give a whole new depth and meaning to your relationship. They will always know you have their happiness in mind and that come make them feel more secure and happy in the relationship.
Always Remember WHY You Set Them Free
If you have decided to let them go then chances are you have good reasons for doing so. Maybe you have seen them suffering for awhile and know that right now the only thing you can do is let them go. Maybe things just aren’t working despite how much you love each other and you both need to be set free. Whatever the reason take the time to sit down with a piece of paper and write down why, the meaning behind you setting them free and then put it somewhere where you can read it every time you have doubts that you have done the right thing.
Give Yourself Some Time
This is going to hurt for awhile and you need to be okay with that. Know that this is going to be hard, but if you have reached this point then you are strong enough to get through to the other side. Take time to be with yourself and do what you need to do to mend your heart. This may mean staying single for awhile. Perhaps this means you attend church more, pray more, or rely on a close friend or relative more. It could mean more fun night out with buddies or more nights at home where you Netflix and chill. Just know it is okay to hurt and it is okay to take time to work through it.
Don’t Dwell On the Past
While thinking of past times with your loved one isn’t a bad thing in of itself, dwelling on it is. Once you have set them free if you spend a lot or most of your time thinking of what you had and lost then moving on will be become difficult if not impossible. It’s best to try not to spend a lot of time looking back on things. This could lead to you to those could of, should of, would of ideas that aren’t healthy and prevent you from your own freedom. What is the point of setting your loved one free if you yourself remain imprisoned? Try to limit how much you think of them each day and have a list of quick distractions until you are in a healthier place.
Coping With Your Lost Love
This is going to be hard and it will hurt, but there are things you can do to move through the pain and process it faster. The grieving process has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There is no set rule to how people work their way through this process. You may skip some of these and get stuck on one stage for a long time. I recommend you watch a few Youtube videos on the grieving process to help you understand the process and help you move forward.
Know that for each person it takes a different amount of time and the grieving process is unique for each person, but here are my best tips to help you move forward.
Be careful with this one. You don’t want to keep so busy that you don’t give yourself anytime to process and move on, but you don’t want to be home alone all the time either. It will be good for you to go out from time to time and get your mind off of things to keep you from wallowing to much. Maybe you start a new hobby, offer to fix things for friends, go to the movies with a few buddies. If you keep yourself busy you will have less time to wallow, but be careful not to over do!
Celebrate the Joys of Your Newly Free Loved One
It may be really hard for you to do this at first, but if you let it this can really help you heal. It can help you see that you have done the right thing. Their happiness wouldn’t have been possible if you hadn’t let them go. So congratulate them when something good happens to them. You may have to fake it at first, but in time you will find that you really are happy for them. Selflessness is a skill and this will help you practice it and develop it. If the happy thing is them moving on from you, just know that means it wasn’t meant to be. That there is still happiness waiting for you to find.
Let Go of What Could Have Been
Dwelling on this will only make it hurt more and keep that wound festering. Let it go. Let go and trust God. You have a wonderful future filled with love and joy waiting for you, but you will never reach it if you don’t let go of this unanswered prayer. Sometimes we don’t get what we want because there is something even better coming. That may seem trite right now but this pain will pass.
Reach Out to Loved Ones for Support
Don’t go through this alone. Lean on those long time friends that are always there for you. Maybe it’s an uncle, sibling, parent, or some other close person in your life. Maybe you prefer to talk to a therapist to work through this mess. That’s okay. Just don’t do it alone. You will walk through this faster with someone to pick you up when your strength wains. Hard times are always easier when a loved one is willing to share the burden for you.
Learn to Love Yourself
Take this time being apart to learn to love yourself. If you don’t love yourself then you will always have an insecure attachment, which could lead to the same problems in the future. If you want to find love, if you want to be truly happy, then you need to learn to love you first. Start by countering every negative thought or comment you tell yourself with a positive one. As corny as they maybe try embracing affirmations. There are tons of apps that can help with this. Try out using headspace and learning to just be okay by yourself for awhile. If you aren’t okay with you then why would anyone else be?
The Pain Will Ease
This may seem to have no meaning to it. It may seem pointless, all the seemingly endless pain, but it will end. You just have to commit to moving forward. You will become stronger. The hurt may always be there in some form, but you will learn to love again. You will experience happiness again. Think of your pain and depression like the sky. Right now there is a storm, but that doesn’t mean that the blue sky still isn’t there. It’s there you just have to wait for the clouds to move on. Don’t take it from me. Let Prince Ea tell you all about it.
Be Prepared for the Worst
While our best hope is that one day they will return to you, you need to prepare for the fact that just might not happen. We may not like to admit that this could be the best outcome because it seems so awful, but we need to accept that a life without them could be our new reality. As I have said before, it is going to be hard. It is going to hurt and that is okay because even if they weren’t yours and don’t come back there is still a joy to be had. No pain is pointless. Something good will come of this. Maybe this prepares you for that person you are meant to be with or maybe they do come back and use this experience to help someone else. I promise you this pain isn’t pointless, it does have some meaning even if you can’t see it right now. It is temporary and the fertilizer you need to acquire some happiness down the road.
The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé